Dear invisible friends,
If you don't really know me, you probably don't know anything about my dreams. They are vivid and often scare me. As a child I would wake up with a shriek or a gasp. As an adult I wake up disoriented and try to lie still as my brain works out who and where I am and what did and did not happen. Last night's dream was particularly bizarre, and it was also strangely thought-provoking.
It was night time (it usually is in my nightmares). The light I could see was coming from torches. I was part of an army getting ready for a battle. Someone was giving us instructions about the upcoming event, and suddenly I was filled with panic. As I held my axe (for some reason I was dreaming of a war with more primitive weapons), I started imagining scenes of death. Blood was everywhere, people I loved were getting hurt, and I was just standing there. I, my dream-self, tried to imagine myself fighting back, but I couldn't--the terror was too great. I let my weapon fall to my side. They could kill me. They could hurt me. I didn't want to go to war. I was just too scared.
This is the second of this type of dream I've had. In the other one, I was in a more modern war, and I stayed at the base camp while everyone else went out to fight. People kept dragging my wounded family members back to me, but I never left the place where I crouched in the dirt. I was paralyzed by fear.
My dream self hates pain. My real self hates pain too, as I learned when I gave birth, without an epideral, to my daughter Amy. I wish I could say these dreams represent how strongly I am repulsed by the idea of war, but I think they really show how afraid I am that if something bad ever happens to me, I will be too scared to do the right thing--too scared to save my family, my neighbors, my country, etc. These dreams make me wake up ashamed of myself. I don't think I ever want to find out what I'm really made of, but if I'm ever in such a crisis, I sincerely hope I prove to be more courageous than I am in my dreams.
If you don't really know me, you probably don't know anything about my dreams. They are vivid and often scare me. As a child I would wake up with a shriek or a gasp. As an adult I wake up disoriented and try to lie still as my brain works out who and where I am and what did and did not happen. Last night's dream was particularly bizarre, and it was also strangely thought-provoking.
It was night time (it usually is in my nightmares). The light I could see was coming from torches. I was part of an army getting ready for a battle. Someone was giving us instructions about the upcoming event, and suddenly I was filled with panic. As I held my axe (for some reason I was dreaming of a war with more primitive weapons), I started imagining scenes of death. Blood was everywhere, people I loved were getting hurt, and I was just standing there. I, my dream-self, tried to imagine myself fighting back, but I couldn't--the terror was too great. I let my weapon fall to my side. They could kill me. They could hurt me. I didn't want to go to war. I was just too scared.
This is the second of this type of dream I've had. In the other one, I was in a more modern war, and I stayed at the base camp while everyone else went out to fight. People kept dragging my wounded family members back to me, but I never left the place where I crouched in the dirt. I was paralyzed by fear.
My dream self hates pain. My real self hates pain too, as I learned when I gave birth, without an epideral, to my daughter Amy. I wish I could say these dreams represent how strongly I am repulsed by the idea of war, but I think they really show how afraid I am that if something bad ever happens to me, I will be too scared to do the right thing--too scared to save my family, my neighbors, my country, etc. These dreams make me wake up ashamed of myself. I don't think I ever want to find out what I'm really made of, but if I'm ever in such a crisis, I sincerely hope I prove to be more courageous than I am in my dreams.
Heidi-I love that you are blogging! You write so well. I have weird dreams too and often reflect what I have been thinking about. I think after how you wrote about Amy that you would be courageous for her-you can tell you love her so much! She is so cute.
ReplyDeletehmmm..... my worst dream was this weird one where I saw a fairy and then someting pounding a treestump (the pounding was VERY loud in my head) and those two things I just kept seeing over and over again and then I woke up in a totall shocked and scared state and I cried and went to see Ashley who had also woken up by my yelling. (She said I had been yelling or crying or something like that.) I still remember that! It was scary!
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